Know Who You Are.

Who are you? Super casual, relaxing question to try to answer, I know! 

I think that this is legitimately one of the toughest questions any of us grapple with, and one that can cause the most struggle in our lives. I know I don’t have the answers for you about this, but let me share a few things I’ve been thinking about recently: 

So many of us define who we are in terms of our accomplishments (“I’m a straight-A student”), our perceived deficiencies (“I’m a mess”), our biggest fears (“I’m not enough”), our relationships (“I’m a sister/daughter/brother/son/mother/father/etc”), or our hobbies or passions (“I’m a soccer player/artist/singer/writer/etc”). NONE OF THESE ARE WRONG. There is no wrong way to define yourself. BUT I do think it’s true that having a sense of who you are underneath all of these roles, labels, relationships, accomplishments, or beliefs is so helpful when you’re navigating big life changes or hard moments in your daily life. 

I’ll share something personal here: I recently became a parent. I took some time away from my work as a therapist to be with my daughter when she was a newborn, and I expected this time to feel amazing. In reality, it was sometimes amazing, but often I was left sitting with the question: Who am I if I’m not doing my job? Who am I now that I’m someone’s mom? Who am I when the biggest thing I’ve accomplished in my day is changing one million poopy diapers?

Of course, the number of diapers I change in a day doesn’t define me as a person. But those other pieces of identity do matter. They matter in the way they allow us to express ourselves, take action that aligns with our values, or add meaning to our lives.

One way to begin to explore this question is to make a list of all your relationships, hobbies, and accomplishments as a starting point to answering the question: Who am I? This is actually a great place to start, I think–the ways we choose to devote our time and the relationships we invest in are reflective of what is important to us. Then, the questions become more like fill-in-the-blanks Mad Libs: 

I am a person who believes ________________________ is true.

I am a person who feels strongly about ______________________.

I am a person who treats others __________________________.

I am a person who really loves _____________________________________.

I am a person who feels grateful for _________________________________.

I am a person who values ________________________________________. 

Maybe it’s a subtle shift, but when we can add our beliefs, personal qualities, and values to our overall sense of self, we start to develop a sense of inner stability–a sense of ourselves that is unchanging, even when our circumstances, relationships, or accomplishments change. I am a therapist, but I am more than a therapist. I am a mom, but I’m more than a mom. I’m a person who believes in compassion, who feels strongly about doing what I can to make the world a more equitable place, and a person who treats others with curiosity and respect.